I’ve had a rough week, and by rough I mean extremely unbearable. I thought for sure this past Friday I was going to hit the road or sky and get my big butt back home. Everything became too much for me, as I started A2 German courses this past week, I feared for my job security (apparently getting sick too much is noticed by the big boss), I felt like I was going nowhere, stuck in the midst of something that is too confusing, too difficult and too much work when I could be back home laughing with friends and having little to none complications. I’ve been stressed and depressed, sick all the time and 20 pounds has been added to my already not so svelte body. You would be considering getting back to a less than perfect but definitely not hard life too.
As for love; it’s hard to look at it as your raison d’etre anymore. Love is wonderful, it makes your life worthwhile but it is not in fact, your life. Like a dessert plate, love may be the main component, but you need other tasty, complementary components on the side to make it shine. Not to mention it has to hit all the notes on your palate making it fulfilling and worth the extremely high cost. Love cannot simply do it alone, despite popular belief. And that’s when you start evaluating (again and again) what you’re doing here.
Now I’ve written so many posts that illuminate the ups and downs of moving and living abroad, and they can prove contradictory upon reading back to back. But that is just the way it is here, you have your good days and weeks, your bad days and months. And the negative always, even when you try not to let it, outweighs the positive. I could have a pity party and sulk or I can move on, and as all of you might have guessed, I’m a mover. I currently have no parents, no real deep and loving familial connections that are easy and natural to maintain, and most of my friends live far away in different time zones moving on with their lives. This can be extremely lonely. So what does someone who has no one really in life do when they realized they’ve hit the wall and have no one to talk about it to without coming off as all over the place and inarticulate? Well, that person plans a big escape. If this thing is impossible to overcome, then I have to cut my losses and go somewhere where I can start new and be something again that makes me feel worthwhile. Here, I’m nothing like the person I should and want to be. And love doesn’t compensate enough at this moment. But before I planned my big getaway, I thought about it all over again.
So what made me stick it out for a few months??? What’s the point of all this negative rambling even though I changed my mind for a while? The I’m-not-gonna-give-up-because-I’m-a-super-strong-lady idea, plus Germany has plenty of mood enhancing chocolates here worth fighting for while I get through this. My Mother was a strong determined (even annoyingly so) lady too and she would not have been proud of my giving up and going back home (although if it meant I would be closer to her, she might’ve been less adamant). I looked at my Mother growing up with pride even when there were times that I was embarrassed or upset with her, because she overcame having a stroke and raising two daughters mostly on her own. She couldn’t use her right arm (her main arm) and yet she strengthened her left enough that she could carry things that we would all need two hands to use.
She found a way through all things, even if the tears were shed when things felt impossible, she still made them possible. I still don’t know or understand how she did all of this on her own with the two of us, but she did and she made it look easy sometimes. And in the last year of her life, she was extremely depressed and tired, unlike herself completely and she passed away. I cannot tell you how I overcame her passing, but I did and still do with strength and knowledge that life is too short not to work your ass off for something that could be absolutely worth it. Even if it turns out that it doesn’t work out and it wasn’t worth it, would you have rather fought to find out or give up before you ever did? Wouldn’t that be one of your single greatest regrets in life to just give up without finding out? I suppose that is one of the driving forces behind my decision to stay for three more months.
I know I cannot live somewhere where I feel like living life here is not enjoyable anymore, and thats why I’m giving myself a full year (another 3 months) before I figure out what to do next. But I revel in my strength because it was the greatest gift and inspiration my Mom gave me, and it’s important to think of these things on Mother’s Day. So Happy Mother’s Day and I hope all of you, my expat readers, can share with me your strengths and inspirations you have and needed to stay away from home when it can be so complicated not to go back.