I’ve blogged since 2008, and mostly consistently, although I’ve had 4 different blogs now so perhaps not consistently on the same platform. I’ve never won awards, never been nominated, I’ve had posts where no one has commented, and I hardly get recognition even from my peers and friends. But that’s OK. I like being able to express myself, even if I’m the only one reading it. With Ellie Moves to Deutschland, I needed to write these experiences as an expat. Do I think everyone has the same feelings, misgivings, pleasures of moving abroad as I do? Absolutely not. But I do think that people can relate…. if they want to.
I’m slowly starting to make friends here, and yet, I have a lot of moments where I’m talking in a group and secretly worrying that I’m annoying. I’m very insecure when it comes to that; once I meet people who I can speak the same language with, and speak it well, I have a world of things to say. And it can be annoying. I understand that about myself and I take it and deal with it as I go. Not all of my friendship making experiences here are continuing successfully, in fact, I’ve been extending the olive branch too often only to realize I’m the only one trying to make this thing happen. So at this point, if people don’t make it a point to want to spend time with me, talk to me, skype me, then I’m not going to take the initiative anymore. I’m not someone’s backup plan on a boring day. I know my flaws and I’m aware how those might come off to people, but I have successful relationships in my life and they work, so I’m not hopeless.
So now I take German classes, and that helps with social interaction. I work and talk with people as much as I can especially when my first instinct is to shy away and shut up. I’m breaking through the awkwardness that I often feel and I have faith things are going to work out but it means being motivated as well. I have to put on my happy face and get through it. When you feel that way, things work that way. And as I plan our wedding (AHHHHHHHH!!!) I’m figuring out what I need and what I want. I have some amazing friends in this world, and I want to spend time with people who don’t judge me and my faults, and want my day to be a great day full of love and laughter. No pushiness, just relaxation. I want quiet happiness for this wedding, and that’s what I want out of Germany too.
And I know it takes work now, and that if I want things to be better for myself, career and friend- wise, I have to be motivated to do things that I never thought I wanted to do. I have to push through it, put in the extra work, and make my own dreams come true. I can do this! And in other news, Germany has become an awesome proud country during the Eurocup! Now that’s exciting business!