So I went back to America, and it could not have been a better time either. As you’ve probably read my last post, I wasn’t having the time of my life a few weeks back. One joke went sour and I had a lot of negativity swirling around me regarding it, the use of Facebook and the way I handled everything.
Although I disagree; I don’t add non friends to my Facebook, and anyway I don’t say highly personal or offensive things there. As I’ve moved abroad, I’ve needed Facebook more; I need to keep in touch with the people who have made up my world over my lifetime .This is important to me. Next thing I knew, I was involved in at least 4 arguments and facing some backlash at work for saying I was too tired to go to a staff meeting on Facebook.
That was my fault. Did I say I hated work, or that I wasn’t going? No. But the already angered were waiting for me to give them more to be upset about. And I shamelessly did. So I deleted most people from Facebook; I needed to reevaluate what I’m doing here, who I’m doing that with, and where I want to be doing it. Importantly, I don’t want to surround myself with people who make me feel as if I cannot be the way I want. I’m a jokester, constantly laughing, I’d do anything for my friends or someone who simply just needs help, and I can pretty much find something positive in any situation <— although that doesn’t mean that I do. But I don’t feel like myself here.
When I was back in NYC for only 5 days, I felt refreshed and myself again. I needed to get away in every possible way. I was using my amassed vocabulary, finding new cupcakes shops, shopping and making jokes. I was astute and not someone who gets written off as dumb or foreign, fat or weird as I do here. Back home I’m not plus-size, I can always find clothes that fit at Ann Taylor Loft, GAP or Anthropologie. In fact, I can find things that can accommodate my shape and style. In Germany, I have to get clothes in much larger sizes that I don’t like and even then, they don’t fit right. I feel like a pariah here, but back home I’m damn near sociable and popular. I dress better, I wear makeup more, and I understand socially what’s going on. 5 days away just wasn’t enough as it turned out.
Here’s my question. Is it perception or is it attitude?