5 Days Away and Ideas

So I went back to America, and it could not have been a better time either. As you’ve probably read my last post, I wasn’t having the time of my life a few weeks back. One joke went sour and I had a lot of negativity swirling around me regarding it, the use of Facebook and the way I handled everything.

Although I disagree; I don’t add non friends to my Facebook, and anyway I don’t say highly personal or offensive things there. As I’ve moved abroad, I’ve needed Facebook more; I need to keep in touch with the people who have made up my world over my lifetime .This is important to me. Next thing I knew, I was involved in at least 4 arguments and facing some backlash at work for saying I was too tired to go to a staff meeting on Facebook.

That was my fault. Did I say I hated work, or that I wasn’t going? No. But the already angered were waiting for me to give them more to be upset about. And I shamelessly did. So I deleted most people from Facebook; I needed to reevaluate what I’m doing here, who I’m doing that with, and where I want to be doing it. Importantly, I don’t want to surround myself with people who make me feel as if I cannot be the way I want. I’m a jokester, constantly laughing, I’d do anything for my friends or someone who simply just needs help, and I can pretty much find something positive in any situation <— although that doesn’t mean that I do. But I don’t feel like myself here.

When I was back in NYC for only 5 days, I felt refreshed and myself again. I needed to get away in every possible way. I was using my amassed vocabulary, finding new cupcakes shops, shopping and making jokes. I was astute and not someone who gets written off as dumb or foreign, fat or weird as I do here. Back home I’m not plus-size, I can always find clothes that fit at Ann Taylor Loft, GAP or Anthropologie. In fact, I can find things that can accommodate my shape and style. In Germany, I have to get clothes in much larger sizes that I don’t like and even then, they don’t fit right. I feel like a pariah here, but back home I’m damn near sociable and popular. I dress better, I wear makeup more, and I understand socially what’s going on. 5 days away just wasn’t enough as it turned out.

Here’s my question. Is it perception or is it attitude?


4 thoughts on “5 Days Away and Ideas

  1. Hugs to you , Ellie. Yes, I do understand how you feel. I can’t take the judgemental, dismissive , rude and arrogant , fault-finding people after a certain period. The expats and other longer-term folks end up being similiar and you feel as if you are the weird one , the troublemaker- inept, having to bend over backwards and double standards imposed upon you. Its all right if they are disrespectful but heaven forbid you protest! The you are the ugly outsider. This concept applies to anyone not seen as belonging, doesn’t matter if it’s in the workplace, your campus- NOT just in Germany.

    Plus, it’s not an American thing, either , before someone jumps in with the ”Americans and Brits are so fake ” comment. It is possible to present your views in a polite, gentle manner, you know …

    1. Sorry I was replying when you sent this. Thanks for your understanding. I don’t remember ever feeling like this before, so isolated and alone in a lot of ways. It’s nice to know other people have experienced this. Thanks for the hugs and hugs back at you for making me feel less of a lonely outsider but also because you’ve probably experienced this too.

  2. I typed a long reply and it disappeared so I’ll keep it short here. Yes, I understand how you feel – I feel the same – I send you lots of hugs.

  3. Hi, Elli, “…I was astute and not someone who gets written off as dumb or foreign, fat or weird as I do here…” That doesn’t sound as if are are feeling much better. What a pity. From the impression I got from your postings I find it hard to believe that people see you anything like dumb or weird. Maybe foreign, but isn’t that fine for a foreigner?

    Have you thought about joining some sort of club to find friends who are better matches for you than some of those you seem to have had? There are all sorts of clubs and associations in Germany (from history to sports). Chances are there will be some which are right for you as well. Since all clubs have to register with the local court (to get tax relief) you can see all of them in the so-called “Vereinsregister” at your local court (to the them online you might have to pay). Or simply google for “Verein Nürnberg”. Maybe the local VHS (Volkshochschule – literally translated: peoples high school) has something to offer for you as well (you might even want to teach there – e. g. cooking and baking?).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s