I’ve had one of the worst, if not just the worst, experiences ever, EVER, in Germany and I pretty much just wanna run for the hills. I’m daydreaming of moving to Ireland, Australia, back to the states, Canada…. you name it. Anywhere but Deutschland. Is it Germany’s fault? No, not really. But I’m ok with in taking it all out of this country… at least for now. There are lots and lots of details about moving abroad that are good and bad, and many I’ve explored in previous posts. And I do think I’ll adjust to life here when I’m in a good place, but I’m just there yet.
I’m OF COURSE under the weather, which I have been for the last 5-6 weeks. But don’t take me for the victim or some poor sick sap, no German ever will either. Do not expect sympathy from the Deutsch, in my experience so far, if you aren’t performing or feeling to your utmost capacity here, you have a weakness that can be exploited. You can be bullied if you don’t speak the same language, you can manipulated if you don’t know you’re rights, and you can be the center of the rumor mill when you aren’t especially social with everyone.
Before moving abroad, I kept my personal life relatively personal; there is a lot people don’t know about me even now that I just don’t share like everyone else. But when you move so far away from home, you tend to put more info out there in hopes of connecting to people who bring familiarity and friendliness to your life. Now I share more; I need support from my friends to feel like I can do this. And here comes the biggest Aha moment ever (not to be confused with the band). Sometimes you realize what you want and need out of your friendships when you are far away. Do you want to be friends with that person who bullied/intimidated you for the last 7 years, do you want to be friends with someone who can’t be bothered to be there for you when you need them most, or with someone who you argued with and hasn’t responded to you for 3 months? NO! You are far away, you need people who are going to stick by you and don’t treat you as if you are a burden the moment the sun stops shining.
But to be honest, I’ve been hasty and quick to judge in the recent weeks which isn’t completely fair. I do have a bunch of excuses, but I think the one I’ll stick with without saying too much is that I’m going through a really, REALLY, rough patch. I’ve apologized and made up with the people I was mean to and who just didn’t deserve it. I’m very sorry for being a jerk face. When you are going through a rough time, sometimes you push people away just because you feel you are alone and you won’t even give them a chance to be there for you so it can reiterate your initial feeling. All of which is stupid. I made my situation worse than it was.
I know everyone goes through rough patches, believe me I’ve had more than a few shares of that, so I relate. But this one feels especially hopeless. I miss my Mom who is 5 years gone now, and although my German has improved I still struggle; I cannot speak it for 24 hours straight, when I’m tired I cannot seem to form a sentence quite right. I’m in a very uncomfortable situation in my career at the moment, I miss my friends, my estranged family, I miss familiarity and home. All of which is exacerbated by the most depressing weather I’ve ever experienced. And I really want Domino’s pizza! Whining over.
That’s where I’ve been. And I’ll be back with a sunnier disposition; the holidays are coming and I’ve got cookies to bake, songs to sing, and a tree to decorate. I’ll be back with happier news, believe me! (and sorry for so much passive voice).