The baby is on a sleep schedule, I have been able (for the past week) to shower two days in a row, I can fit into some of my pre-pregnancy pants, and the sun is shining bright. I still get homesick (although I’m not envious of all the snow New England is getting back home, I’ll stay here where it’s nice and warm for the moment), I’m just fine with the way things are right now.
It’s absolutely amazing what sunshine can do for you after a long while of gray skies and difficulties. I’m still shaking off my 5 weeks in the hospital, and those other 5 weeks O was in the hospital. It was over 3 months ago now, but I’ll have lasting memories of that place, my treatment, my overwhelming yet brief happiness at seeing my beautiful baby and hearing her cry seconds before she was whisked away, seeing her each day in an incubator, sobbing, and after, having to clean and sanitize my hands so I could touch my beautiful, struggling little girl…. It’s over now, and believe me when I say, I’m absolutely grateful for every moment of every day. Her smiles are now are abundant, but I cherish each one—- they represent the happiness within my heart at having a healthy beautiful baby. I’ve learned from these experiences that fear and loss can change many aspects of your life. And I’m working on implementing those changes.
Little things don’t seem to matter so much anymore, time becomes more important, I am much more thankful for the things I have– and I will try not to be so callous as to taking those things for granted, I’ll be more diligent of all the gifts and care I’m given every day. I’ll try to be more understanding of other people- I want to be a person unburdened with doubt, loneliness, and worries. That last part is hard, I’m a horrible worrier. Anyway, I’m trying to embrace and maintain happiness. I’ve got it good, there’s no need or room for complaints.
I’m still not 100% in love with Germany, and I’m quite certain I never will be, you guys know what I mean, but it’s my home. It has its ups and downs, but I’m lucky to be here. Overall, Germany isn’t so bad, and who knows it might even feel like home the more I get involved with our community by getting O into swimming class and meeting more people. I do struggle with the German culture, but I’m really trying to speak German more often too, and I don’t love how cyclists speed down the road and nearly hit the stroller, or grocery shopping here in general, or strangers trying to touch the baby… But, nowhere is perfect. It’s up to me to make the best of my situation, right?